Never never never

Which is how I feel when thinking about happiness in my life. I will never never never attain happiness. I'll laugh at funny movies but laughter does not equal to happiness. There was something on Heroes that Linderman said to Nathan Petrelli about a life with happiness and (blank). I can't recall what (blank) was, but perhaps power, or something like that. About how those two cannot coexist in human life. To which I agree, though not whole-heartedly.

Someone's MSN nickname contains the sentence: The truth is that pain is nothing compared to what it feels like to give up. I gave up on the idea of going to Japan, and all of a sudden I'm settling down here, in Richmond? What is that all about?! I don't remember agreeing to "settling down", and I expected to "live my life" once I graduate. (By "live my life" I mean independence). Oh crap of all crapolas, that is not going to happen. I'm counted on for family finances (mortgage AND HPO loan, how lovely), and family disciplinarian to my delinquent brother. I hate these roles, and yet I cannot rise up and fight my family about it. I cannot use my money for anything without feeling guilty that, hey this money could be use to pay off our debts (which is a major reason why I don't go on vacations, because I can't get away. If I take a vacation I'd go away = spending money = feeling guilty). In the Chinese way of thinking, your family is important and you obey your parents, period.

I obey and I hate it. And I hate the fact that I hate it.

On to a less self-absorbing, i-hate-everything-and-everyone note, spring is here. Do you see the sakura blossoms everywhere? Soon summer will be here, and you know what that means! Frappuccinos!! Blast those frappuccinos, worst invention EVER. Which is why I can never be a true starbucksian and pledge my loyal allegiance to starbucks, because it's got frappuccinos.

Facebook

Today I would like to discuss Facebook, the other other internet phenomenon that never ceased to mystify me. Just like MySpace. They all boast of great popularity, many many cultural and everyday-life references, and the premise of networking.

The evolution of online "friendship" site is never-ending. The first one I was involved with (as long as I can remember) was AsianAvenue. That's where I learned my basic HTML and "added friends" from godknowswhere. That's where I went into Japanese chatrooms and pretended like everyone else there that I am genuinely a Japanese culture afiscionado (sp?), basically no one there were Japanese, and everyone wanted to talk to this Takeshi Kaneshiro-lookalike, nicknamed Keshi. Then there were others, but they are blurry in my mind. I went into Fantawa for the most of my late teenage/early 20s era. Again, self gratification and "writing" and "making friends". I did make some friends, though, people I admire. There were a bunch of stuff I joined after that, things like Friendster and hi5 (if anyone can remember any, please remind me). Then there was MySpace. To me it sounds a lot like AsianAvenue, but I have never used it so I don't know. Then there was Facebook, which was limited to alumini only. I think that's the beginning of its downfall, the day it opened its door to the preening public.

It is almost like high school advanced, you see who you know, and you see who the ones you know, know. A big who's-who in your "network". Self-gratification to the utmost degree, when you "write on walls" and talk about gossip you talked about online the next day with your real-life friends, whose walls y'all enjoyed doodled on. With MySpace and AsianAvenue there were at least spaces you could express your individuality by posting stuff... with Facebook it is all consolidated into Album and Walls and Groups you can join. I personally joined three Starbucks related groups. Call me sad, but it is the god-awful truth.

A request to be friends. A urgent yearning to belong. That's what they are all playing at. And that's all what we are all being played into. I admit I was pleasantly surprised to find two former co-workers, but that ends there. Let's put it this way, Facebook is like a big toilet bowl, and when you flush, you can't help but being sucked into the vortex of friendship and networking.

(Speaking of self-gratification, look who is admiring her own witty remarks about Facebook on her own blog?)

Into somwhere else

So I went on to Flickr the other day, after my pro account has expired for quite a while. Much to my dismay, a whole album has disappeared into the internet void. My Pride Parade 05 album, the one I went to with James, Jackie, Lesley and Connie. Tear.

The slipping away of identity and existence seems so much more languid yet certain on the internet. My wretch account has expired so they shut it down. The place where I wrote in Chinese, down, all my blogs into internet void. Again. This other place I went to, Fantawa, I wrote there for much of my high school/university cusp, I don't even go there any more, it's done. Someday, this place will have long reeds growing, and I shall not return.

This is just a mild observation. It originated when my friend Lan, saw me on MSN the day before yesterday, and messaged me saying "Where have you been? We were so worried about you." Of course I was confused. What the hell are you talking about, I wish I was dead, but we can't have everything in life now can we? She went on saying that my wretch account shut down, I don't return phone calls, I don't appear on MSN. It's almost too easy now isn't it? Well, no, I'm still alive and well. Kicking and screaming.

(Commercial break: there is this commercial on now for nutrigrain bars, an executive seeking out the secret ingredient "and". Hilarious. Good job guys)

Still alive. Did not kill myself. Did not set a bomb off. Did not elope and have Michael Jackson's baby. Did sign up on Facebook on a whim, but it's too much trouble to navigate for people I know and say "let's be friends". Did sign up to anobii to show off my intellect, but there are so much self-indulgence in that I felt shameful. Did watch the Oscars so maybe we can talk about that next time. All for wine and wine for all. See, all is well in the mindless drone of the world.

We are the all-singing all-dancing crap of the world.